Trusting Yourself

I used to believe that I could trust my first impressions, but recently I have begun to question even the most basic assumptions. People I used to trust wholeheartedly have proven to not to be friends, while people I have previously judged have shown a completely different side to themselves.

I feel like I am becomming more self aware. For the first time in my life, I am able to recognise that many of my immediate thoughts are overly critical or pessimistic and this has left me somewhat more confused. Part of me feels that I should trust my initial instincts but another, newer part of me is aware that in doing so I am often someone that I don't like.

It can be a bitter circle of self hatred. I have been told so many times that my thoughts are overly negative and the more I become conscious of this, the more I hate the way that mind works, and the more I begin to believe these comments. Sometimes, I am right to question myself; sometimes I do criticise unnecessarily and project this very negative view which understandably has the potential to offend people. But then at the same time, if events and thoughts are provoking such negative reactions and feelings within me, should I just ignore them and pretend to be happy?

Learning to trust and like myself again has been a huge part of my recovery from my depressive self, and I don't think I have quite achieved it yet. I know my instincts are often wrong and yet at the same time I feel a need to recognise that the things that I feel are valid, and are an important part of me.

For the record, I'm trying. I'm trying to be fair. I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to be me.