Losing interest

So it seems I have the attention span of a small insect. Having spent all day doing nothing, I've come home, checked my emails multiple times and so far avoided work. Or more specifically, I've opened the article I'm meant to be reading, stared at the page for a while and then decided that there are so many better things to do....

So I've ultimately retreated to this blog. And sat here with my cup of tea and my reflective mood, it's suddenly dawned on me that I hae increasingly lost interest in a lot of things recently. I used to work extremely hard, reading for hours on end and actually taken some enjoyment out of it and yet now, it's a small miracle if I can manage to read a ten page article in under an hour without resorting to just random doodles.

But it's not just my work that seems to have suffered as I have grown older, it's a lot of my other hobbies too. At one point, I practised three instruments and played in an Orchestra, I acted as stage manager twice a year and studied Spanish and Esperanto in my spare time. Now, it's a mircale if I actually achieve anything in my day other than the required actions of getting up, eating, attending a few lectures and ultimately going back to bed.

Perhaps it's an age thing; perhaps we lose our capacity to manage so many different activities as we grow older. Or maybe we have more responsibilities that prevent us from engaging in something we enjoy. In my case, I think it's more that I am out of habit. I have spent so long in a dark place that does not permit "fun" that I know longer know how to have it. Maybe I can change that again.

Frustration

I find life unbelievably frustrating. Another day slips away and I have acheived nothing and have not enjoyed anything either. I spend so much time alone, I don't know how to have fun anymore.

And it's frustrating, because there's lots of things I would like to do, I just have no one to do them with. I want to go to Wroclaw and see the place my Grandma was born; I want to see the place of her childhood and I want to feel connected to her again. I really wish she had been buried. I keep trying to talk to her but I can't find her in the pool of thoughts and fears. I want to feel that connection again. And yet there's no one to go with, there is no one that can understand the significance of a place that has meaning only the context of a relationship I no longer have. Why would anyone else want to roam the streets where my Grandma once laughed and played?

I also want to go to Aushwitz. Going to a concentration camp is something that I believe is a fundamental part of modern life. I don't think anyone can even begin to understand the war until they have stood in a gas chamber and felt the feeling. I've been to Dachau and I was humbled. I want to go to Aushwitz because I want to share a part of that pain. No one else seems to get that. I think when you are German, or part German, there's this inherent sense of guilt that makes it all the more important to see it for yourself. Not everyone feels like that.

To be honest, I just need to get out of here. I need to feel that rush that travel brings. I've wanted to go inter-railing since I was fifteen, but I've never had enough friends, or even a single friend that could or would come with me. And deep down, my desire to go is stronger than my desire for companionship on the way. I want to see the world and experience it, and I'm quite happy to do that alone if no one else will come with me. I hate that this world is not safe enough for me to just wander the world on my own.

I don't even just want to travel abroad. I actually really love history and yet I rarely get to actually explore my interest. I live right next to a major castle, and yet I have never been because all my friends went without me, and no one else is interested enough. I live within easy reach of Stratford, and yet I've never been to the theatre there, or to any of the Shakespeare properties. It's such a waste. And yet it's so hard to enjoy these things alone; the one thing I always seem to be at the moment.

I'm so frustrated with life. Sometimes I really struggle to see the point of it at all.