I'm really struggling today. I need to pour my heart out but I do not have the right means to write at the moment.
Argh, this isn't helping.
Friday, 8 May 2009
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
I know I'm a hyperchondriac
...but I'm pretty certain it's not normal to be tachychardic on a regular basis. I'm actually beginning to get quite worried about my pulse rate, which is consistently above 100 and often closer to 120 bpm. Combined with my slightly lower than average blood pressure, and it doesn't quite seem normal.
So I googled the symptoms, which, as any hyperchondriac will tell you, is a very stupid thing to do. To be honest, that particular research experiment didn't cause too many worries, since the high pulse- low blood pressure combination can be practically anything. What it did do, however, was remind me of all the other little things that have felt vaguely abnormal in the last few months: the random lump in my neck, the strange palpitation-chest-pain-thing, the earchache that has never quite cleared up...the list goes on.
Sometimes, I wish I could just admit myself to hospital and have all the tests humanly possible. Maybe that would stop my underlying anxiousness. But then maybe that would anger the health service. It's a hard life fearing the power of your own body.
I just hope the pulse goes down.
So I googled the symptoms, which, as any hyperchondriac will tell you, is a very stupid thing to do. To be honest, that particular research experiment didn't cause too many worries, since the high pulse- low blood pressure combination can be practically anything. What it did do, however, was remind me of all the other little things that have felt vaguely abnormal in the last few months: the random lump in my neck, the strange palpitation-chest-pain-thing, the earchache that has never quite cleared up...the list goes on.
Sometimes, I wish I could just admit myself to hospital and have all the tests humanly possible. Maybe that would stop my underlying anxiousness. But then maybe that would anger the health service. It's a hard life fearing the power of your own body.
I just hope the pulse goes down.
Musings
I'm in a rather penseive mood at the moment. As always, I seem to have drifted aimlessly to here with little sense of purpose other than to contemplate life. It sometimes bothers me that I only ever seem to right when I am upset or reflective; that every post implies negativity and doubt. Of all the blogs I have seen and read, only mine seems to dwell so much on my own thoughts, with so little acknowledgement of the wider world.
Sometimes, I think I should comment on the things that I am interested in. I often have very strong opinions and yet I never seem to voice them, even here. Perhaps I should comment on current affairs, politics or even the current economic climate. But then perhaps I should not. This has always been simply a place to write as things come to mind.
I did briefly contemplate starting a second blog in order to compensate for this need to comment on other things. I still can't decide whether that would be wise. Perhaps I will gradually feed more critique into this space; start to use this blog more constructively rather than a point of release for the tension that builds up inside me. This is not my space to rant, but a place of thoughts and feelings.
Writing this has calmed me down. I hadn't really realised that I was tense, but there was clearly something causing me subconscious discomfort. I feel another post coming on. I can feel topics inside me fighting to get out. Perhaps tonight I will post prolifically. Writing solves all ills.
Sometimes, I think I should comment on the things that I am interested in. I often have very strong opinions and yet I never seem to voice them, even here. Perhaps I should comment on current affairs, politics or even the current economic climate. But then perhaps I should not. This has always been simply a place to write as things come to mind.
I did briefly contemplate starting a second blog in order to compensate for this need to comment on other things. I still can't decide whether that would be wise. Perhaps I will gradually feed more critique into this space; start to use this blog more constructively rather than a point of release for the tension that builds up inside me. This is not my space to rant, but a place of thoughts and feelings.
Writing this has calmed me down. I hadn't really realised that I was tense, but there was clearly something causing me subconscious discomfort. I feel another post coming on. I can feel topics inside me fighting to get out. Perhaps tonight I will post prolifically. Writing solves all ills.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
A plea
I feel like there's nothing right about me anymore. All I ever seem to hear is the negative: what I shouldn't do, what I've done wrong, what I'm bad at.
Is there nothing good about me?
Is there nothing good about me?
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Digestive difficulties...
Despite what some people may think, I generally don't complain that much about my digestive problems. Admittedly I am quite openly anxious when I don't have my medication, or if I eat certain foods but on the whole, I just accept that my stomach doesn't like food.
So when I start moaning about it now, it's because it's really, really bad. I hate having to sit next to the bathroom for hours waiting for it to pass, watching my stomach balloon and feeling sick. I hate that sometimes you just can't make it in time. And that it disrupts the whole day.
I just want to go home and instead I am sat outside the bathroom door. Typical.
So when I start moaning about it now, it's because it's really, really bad. I hate having to sit next to the bathroom for hours waiting for it to pass, watching my stomach balloon and feeling sick. I hate that sometimes you just can't make it in time. And that it disrupts the whole day.
I just want to go home and instead I am sat outside the bathroom door. Typical.
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